Joseph Cook 436664
Thought Log
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| Joseph Cook Incarcerated as a juvenile, shares with us his "Thought log " he wrote while grappling with big disappointment and heartbreak |
After 19 years in prison, I thought that I would never be sent back to a maximum security prison. I worked my way
down to a medium with the goal of eventually working my way down to work release and community custody. But
I fucked up and did some silly shit that landed me back to maximum security prison for a year. Waupun is the
max. prison they sent me to. I was very disappointed in myself. I let my family down, along with dragging them
down emotionally. My family is doing time with me. They are experiencing the joy of my accomplishments along
with the stress and pain of my mistakes.
Upon entering Waupun, it was suggested that I keep a Thought Log by my psychologist in order to document my
feelings. Expressing myself verbally to my psychologist was/is a challenge. Writing my feelings down throughout
the week prior to going to our sessions gave our sessions more material to discuss. Although the Thought Logs
started off as an exercise to better communicate with my psychologist they have become something more
personal. A daily habit I do for my own healing.
The first three entries were written during the first few weeks of entering Waupun. This moment of my life was
very stressful. After 90 days in the hole in a minimum security prison, I was shipped out or maxed out as we call it
inside prison, I was maxed out to Waupun. A maximum security prison as part of my punishment for getting into
trouble at a minimum security prison. I was so disappointed in myself. During this stage of my growth, I knew
better than to fuck up like I did. I knew the power of choices. Although the DOC is a dysfunctional institution, I
knew the consequences of my actions. Placing the responsibility of my actions in my own hands. With no one to
blame, I had to look within. The below reflects my process of dealing with myself. You will see that after a year in
Waupun, I was able to go back to a minimum security prison. And how that transition also altered the tone in my
thought log.
Thought Log 5-6-21
For years, I feel like I've been walking, stumbling, fumbling forward in a world where there is a perpetual fog.
Preventing me from appreciating all of the hardships I've overcame, goals I've reached, and precious bonds with
the power heal created. The now seems blurry, out of place, at a loss to where I came from and with no direction
for the steps forward. In the fog, shame mistakes, indiscretions, and a sense of wanting to feel invisible exist.
Although the fog interrupts one's vision it doesn't cloud the negative self image, or the lack of self acceptance I
feel for myself.
Book Entrance: ″When you drive your vehicle from place to place, you have awareness of your starting place as
well as an awareness of where you are going. You accept that you cannot get there instantaneously; you accept
that you will travel the distance, and in time, you will arrive at your destination. And while you may feel anxious to
get there, and maybe even tire of the journey, you do not get so discouraged at the midway mark that you just
turn around and go back to your starting point to the midway point and then finally collapse from the never-ending
journey.
You do not announce your inability to accomplish your journey. You accept the distance between your starting
place and where you desire to be and you continue to move like in the direction of your destination. You
understand what is required and you do it.″
5-9-21
The fog is diminishing slowly. There is still a haze of self blame, of shame, of feeling like I'm not worthy of
compliments, help, positive acknowledgement. I believe acceptance of what was, what is, and what will be is the
beginning of a new dawn. But that acceptance is difficult. Yesterday, when I was on the phone with my creative
partner who is the Poet Laureate of WI. she told me she was going to make sure my book project becomes a
success. I immediately wanted to tell her I'm not worthy, or that I was a mistake. Immediately part of me negated
her statement. Apart of me wanted to tell her I wasn't the same man she met years ago. That I was weaker, more
prone to making mistakes, and on a downward spiral. I wanted to tell her their is a world of difference between
my gift of writing and me as a person just living. But of course, I didn't tell her that. She wouldn't have looked at
me differently. She loves and supports me, not based on my performance but based on my person.
Quote from Sistah Souljah:
″Hibernate the heart,″ my sensei had taught me. In extreme situations or in captivity, isolation or tortore, only the hibernated heart will allow the fighter to prevail. ″
″Silence is discipline. Even while being provoked, lied to, lied on, insulted, and maligned.″
5-18-21
Emotionally, I'm riding the wave of being back in max. It feels like I'm on a raft and the waters are turbulent. I don't
fear tipping off, or drowning. I know I'll be safe if I just lay on the raft. I really desire to stand up, position my legs,
center my feet, and balance myself until the wave has dissipated and I'm able to walk unto the shore. With the
water and all it's potential danger beneath me growing more distant and less threatening as I make my way to
shore. Maybe that will come as I leave the DOC in general. Until then maybe turbulent waters will be the wave
that washes me up to freedom.
************************************
I left Waupun a year after that last thought log. I arrived in New Lisbon on May 25, 2022. Which was a shift in my
routine, my spirit, and my outlook on life. Waupun was hectic. Fights daily, extortion, drug use, screaming over
the tier all day, suicides, the sounds of guys getting tased , suicides attempts, along with the constant 24hr. cell
confinements due to the shortage of staff. New Lisbon, is regular. A walk in the park when compared to Waupun.
We get rec., and library constantly, the food is better, I have witness no fights, drug episodes, or even heard the
word suicide mentioned. The only thing I resented was not being able to take up my college courses for the fall
semester. It got delayed one semester. After I got over that and the fact that New Lisbon is so white and far away
from home, I was able to appreciate the limited freedoms provided by New Lisbon. And I was also able to create
opportunities for growth, opportunities to connect, opportunities to create spaces where a shared humanity is the
focus.
Thought Log 5-27-22
Today is my fourth day in New Lisbon. I know I should be happy due to being in a prison with more freedoms,
less violence, and more space. Maybe I'm not allowing myself to be happy based on the fact that I'm in New
Lisbon and not Racine or Oshkosh. Prisons that are closer to Milwaukee and Southeast Wisconsin. I feel like this
prison is a replica of all the other prisons: white officers and staff members that really have nothing to do with the
majority Black inmate population they are in control of. Racine would have been a breath of fresh air. More
healthy for my transitioning from the monotony and riffraff of prison time to the more meaningful and productive
aspects of preparation time. Being in a prison ran by Black and Brown people is more representative of the
people who represent my community. Good people are good people, but it's a difference between working with
people who know where you come from, who have compassion, understanding, and tolerance versus working
with people who are completely cultural strangers. I looked forward to attending the groups offered by Racine
some of those groups are offered by New Lisbon but there's a difference when the people who are conducting the
groups relate to you and have a vested interest in your success. Being in New Lisbon feels lonely, foreign,
strange, and unwelcoming. Besides being in their prison I know I don't belong here, around these people, in this
area. They view my incarceration not as a social and human crisis, but as a job/career opportunity for
themselves, their families, and their community. Sometimes I envy them, but most of the time I pity them. They
look as miserable as I sometimes feel. And to be a correctional officer, I wonder do they know their worth, did
they ever pursue their dreams, do they question a society who uses prisons as job opportunities for some
communities while destroying other communities?
Thought Log: 6-27-22
Today I feel alright. My thoughts are clear, my emotions are balanced, my body is fully functional. I have no aches
in my knees or elbows. I don't feel bloated, exhausted. A little sleepy, yet I feel the enthusiasm that comes with a
new day. I have to get back to writing more, thinking more in depth about my book manuscript and putting true
effort into my publishing goals. Sometimes I add old writings into new manuscripts in order to fill up space. I have
to stop that. It cheats my readers and also I'm cheating myself. Following a theme without deviation helps.
Gratitude Chart:
I'm thankful for friendship.
7-11-22
Monday morning! A new week. I'm continuing to adopt to my new environment. I'm attempting to find my rhythm.
A schedule of writing, reading, consuming information that serves a purpose. And incorporating some form of
spiritual practices. Fasting for a day, meditation, prayers that acknowledge a force bigger than myself. Rather that
force is Nature or Buddha or God or all three. I've been consistent with thanking God for each new day. Letting go
of the past, being open to new experiences, reaching for people who share my interest, and pursuing my
interest with a hunger like never before. How I've been feeling(like giving up) my state of being(down and
dejected) and my actions(dumb as hell) should have come in the beginning. Now I'm almost finished. The finish
line is in sight, so why stop now?*
Feeling sorry for myself, wanting others to feel sorry for me, all that shit has to stop. I have to be a force. Inwardly
and outwardly.
Gratitude Chart:
I'm thankful for Lauryn Hill
I'm thankful that I have the ability to see, to touch, to smell, and to think comprehensively.
*It's usual for guys with long prison bids to act out in the beginning of their time due to the adjustment period, and
during the end due to the anxiety of now getting closer to release.
7-14-22
It's okay. It's okay. I'm able bodied, sound minded, emotionally balanced, and goal driven. Focus, perspective,
priority, watch the company I keep. Be mindful of my words. Don't take things personal. Don't hold on to grudges
if you do transfer that negative energy into fuel for your goals. Don't posture, don't feed into bullshit. Don't focus
on others, neither staff nor peers. Be cordial, not friendly, or stand offish. Hold your on. Listen to good music, eat
good healthy food. Sleep, take naps, its not a form of laziness it's giving your body, your muscles time to
rejuvenate, rest, recovery. Have good conversations, listen to good podcast, surround yourself with good people.
Write....write good material. Read good literal. Meditate, pray, connect and give gratitude to life, to forces outside
of myself. Laugh more, look for humor more. Don't give shit talk power. Appreciate the skies, the trees, the fresh
air, water: cold, warm, hot. Sometimes look out the window at the night sky. Go hard for your dreams without the
anxious controlling feeling. Appreciate the process, the people involved, the connection with others and not just
the end result. Tell the people who you love, that you love them.
7-18-22
Today was a good day. I actually enjoyed it. My morning started off with two guys approaching me on some silly
negative shit. But after that, things went good. I told myself not to give that energy too much power, time, thought.
So it wouldn't ruin my day. Just an unpleasant moment. After that, I read. Prepared workout by drinking water and
stretching. I exercised all morning until my psych doctor called me in. Our session gave me perspective, insight,
and the cathartic experience of connecting,being vulnerable, sharing. I continued to have positive interactions
throughout the day. The poetry group went good. I had to practice being present, mindful, and present. It gets
dull, boring, tedious but that's that. Part of the poetry group that I'm committed to. So along with sharpening my
writing skills, and networking with other writers it's also an exercise of being mindful and present. I wrote one
poem today and emailed it to my agent/publisher. I also sent emails out to my love ones. I felt/feel myself growing
bitter towards some. I remember the quote by Gandhi or was it King, ″Become the change you want to see.″? So I tell myself, I want others to be here for me, so I have to be here for others. I want mercy, so I have to give
mercy. I want to be shown compassion and forgiveness, so I have to be a compassionate and forgiving person.
That's what I'm building on. Still flawed, still fucked up, but also focused and forward thinking.
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